look no pants
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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