Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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