I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize