i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
