I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
