you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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