end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
