Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
