I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize