he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
