Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
