he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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