Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
