Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
is wine microwaveable?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
