tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
