what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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