the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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