i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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