FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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