Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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