then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize