Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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