Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
