Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
