I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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