So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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