So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
