NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
