If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize