im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
