so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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