if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
