I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There's always time for handjobs
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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