god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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