remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Sober January is a disaster.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize