if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
