my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
