kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
