dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
