woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize