she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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