the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
