He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
