Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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