One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize