That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
