So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize