he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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