Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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