i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
