this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
