I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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