I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
