Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
