I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
