If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
