if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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