Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
