The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
