I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When did we convert life to cartoon?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
